Thoughts

I’m still between times

Be warned: I’m going to babble about my feelings

Plenty of emotional stuff coming soon, eh? That was a month ago. And since then, I’ve written loads for this blog, but nothing I feel comfortable with publishing. All the while telling myself that if I could only post regularly, I’d probably get more views. But also telling myself I should not be putting pressure on myself to write while I’m so ill (still). And also thinking that if I can at least give potential employers a link to this blog, they’ll see I’ve been doing something productive while I’ve been ill – but only if I actually write stuff on here while I’m ill. But then they will also see how low I’ve been, and as a result probably not want to employ me.

In my more insecure moments, I wonder if maybe Between Times is a really naff title. One of my biggest supporters in recent times has also been one of my biggest critics. My poems don’t make any sense, my prose is too flowery – until I consider never asking for another person’s opinion ever again. Reader, I dumped him. It was amicable, I must stress that, but I still feel rubbish about it. And it is much easier to let my mind wander down nastier paths. What if he hated everything I wrote? My rational mind knows he (probably) didn’t, but I am not in my rational mind right now.

Things are really not great at the moment. The break-up is really the least of my problems. Loads of rubbish stuff is happening all at once, because that is what life does sometimes, and I really need to just accept that that’s what’s happening. Of course I’m feeling low.

But at the same time, that’s what bothers me the most. Stuff is happening. And I can’t stop it from happening. I can’t instantly make everything better. I’ve dumped my boyfriend, and I am currently in the process of clearing out my bedroom and throwing away a significant proportion of my stuff. I very nearly cut off all my hair. I just feel like I need to do something. Have control over something. I blatantly do not really have any control. There is nothing I can do, except wait for things to heal over time.

I can’t decide if it’s good to use the ruthlessness of depression to get rid of everything that I was previously kidding myself that I wanted, or if in fact I’m so depressed I don’t like anything I normally would, and thus as soon as I recover I’m going to want everything back. Whether I can get it back or not. But I cannot, cannot, keep carrying all these bags around – that much is for sure. I’m not strong enough. There is so much stuff, both in my bedroom and my brain, that unless I take things out and look at them, I never realise they’re there at all.

I’m still between times. I’m still waiting for all the bad stuff to get better, so I can get on with my life. At this point, I should probably say something like: ‘but bad stuff always happens and really I ought to get on with my life right now!’ This would be much easier to do if I wasn’t busy recovering from chronic illness. Which really does not feel like getting on with my life at all.

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Photo: woods near Veryan, Cornwall, May 2016

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One thought on “I’m still between times

  1. Hi Bryony, I like this blog, I think that it is probably the best one, it seems to me that you are making progress. Even just considering getting rid of “stuff” is good. You are right you are not strong enough to keep carrying it all around with you.
    All those things that constitute”stuff” have hands that hold on to you and weigh you down, and all those thoughts that keep running through your mind fill up your head with clutter that pushes out the peace and calm.

    Throwing out things, and not giving your thoughts importance is the most liberating and healing experience.
    Who cares what anyone else thinks! You are not interfering with them.
    You are the best judge of the value of your own work, and you will learn and developed your values as you continue to write.
    All of your blogs have had value.
    Keep on writing.
    I have now found the discs that I mentioned to you and will send them on.
    Much love
    Cris.

    Like

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